I recently learned something interesting about motivation. It doesn’t work the way we think it should. You see, there’s several things in life that keep us motivated, and an umpteen number of things that cause distractions and make us unable to perform our duties.
To give a little bit of insight into who I am and why I’ve even begun researching motivation, I am a mother of two Autistic sons, 19 and 11, and since the beginning of my journey in motherhood I’ve faced several obstacles. From teaching my sons how to brush their teeth, to potty training, to their first dreaded day at school, to the first phone call from school, to the crying myself to sleep at night because I just can’t handle another moment of this, just to get up the next day and start the chaos all over again.
What I’ve learned in the 19 years of being a mother is that motivation for Autistic children is simply not the same as with neurotypical children. Over the last year my youngest son’s teacher has reached out to me several times explaining that he hasn’t completed his school work and that I need to hold him accountable. Sure, hold him accountable, absolutely. But to what?
I spent the year attempting to work with his teacher to “hold him accountable” but by the end of the school year, none of what I had requested had come to fruition. I asked for his school aide to sit with him and assist him in writing down his school assignments, homework, projects, so that I could know what to hold him accountable to. I called, emailed, texted the teachers asking them to send me lesson plan so I could know what was due and what he was learning throughout the week. I asked for meetings and nothing helped. I never received a lesson plan. He never came home with homework or a filled out planner.
Queue the late night tears and general frustration to my lot in life. But… like most mothers, I woke up the next day to fight another day.
I signed up for an expensive, but OMG so helpful Autism support website called Asperger’s Experts. Yes, yes, I know that Asperger’s is no longer a valid diagnosis and we’re supposed to use High Functioning Autism now, but this is what the website is called and since the CEO and chief research officer were both diagnosed with Asperger’s several years before the term Asperger’s was removed from the DSM-5, the name remains. Click the link if you’d like to take a look at the website.
This website has slowly but surely changed my life. Let me tell you, I’ve struggled with my two sons for the entire time I’ve been a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being their mother, to me, this life is normal, but I’d be very naive to say that the rest of the world doesn’t view my sons the way I do. I see all the beautiful things about them, how my oldest son is the most loving and kind person I’ve ever met. How he would bring me chicken noodle soup in bed when I’m sick to how he would pull out his wallet and pay for dinner when I forgot my own at home. I see how highly intelligent they are, how my youngest son always puts the cart back at the store because “You should do good things, even when no one is looking”. I’ve raised my sons well.
At least for the most part.
In order to get along in this world, to become successful and to be independent, my two amazing children still have a lot to learn. And by that, I mean I have a lot to learn. I have to learn how to motivate them, how to teach them, how to show them how to be successful in this world that’s already so hard for neurotypical people, and will be exponentially harder for them.
So I started learning. I started reading, started watching the videos and lessons on the Asperger’s Experts website.
I’ve learned SO MUCH! So much more than the therapists have taught, so much more than any book I’ve ever read has said. This is coming straight from people with Autism, not just people who study Autism. And honestly, I think this can apply to all of us in this world.
One thing that really stuck out to me was Motivation. I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m not the most motivated person. I struggle to finish what I’ve started and most weekend days struggle to get out of bed at a reasonable time. I’m just SO TIRED from working hard at my day job all week and then turning around and having to struggle with my children to get where they need to be.
For most people, motivation to do things has a reward to it. Think about it. When potty training a child, often parents will offer a reward for each time potty training is done successfully. Or when you want to see a behavior stop like hitting, we offer negative rewards, like grounding, taking away of toys or electronics or time out. I’m talking about young children here, but the rewards versus punishments extends into all aspects of our lives, even into late adulthood.